I think it had to do with the fact that it kicked started with me being in the United States - like literally, I was on Washington soil on 1st January 2017 and spent half of the year there.
My time there passed by really quickly because I was having a ton of fun, not a thing to worry about. Then when I came back to Malaysia, my days went by with dark days of reverse culture shock and well, university that I actually have to do well in...and I got a couple of part-time jobs to fill my time up to the brim.
And just like that, 2017 blinked itself away.
Tomorrow is the first day of 2018. Tomorrow also marks one year since I left for the US. I simply cannot fathom the thought of me being at the airport this time last year as I was awaiting the adventure 2017 was going to bring me.
The past year has been an enriching one. I'm now richer with friends, family, experiences, memories, knowledge, financial, and personal growth.
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Usually, I'd do a listicle to sum up my year. But this year since I'm running on crunch time, mama ain't got no time to sift through folders of photos on my external hard drive to pick the perfect photos to depict each point in my listicle (it's a legit term for articles in a list form, but it sounds almost obscene, I know).
So below are some photos of my 2017 highlights just to make my post a bit more interesting before I get on to the heavier stuff. Add a little spice, as they say.
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2017 was a year of realization and self development as I learned more about myself through good and not so good times. Needless to say, my experience living and studying abroad, and mingling with all sorts of people really expanded my world view.
Ever since I came back, I've had a cloud of uncertainty looming in my mind. I question myself as a person. What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of friend do I want to be? What am I supposed to do? Where should I go? How am I suppose to feel and react? Do I feel too much? Am I too sensitive? Should I tone it down a notch? Should I refrain from taking action? Stop caring so much? Numb myself towards everything I feel so strongly for?
Wait, is this quarter-life crisis??
Claire Marshall (one of my favourite YouTubers) shared this quote last week, and it's exactly how I've been feeling.
I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all. - Caitlyn Japa
This conflicting feeling sucks, but I know it's a process I have to go through.
What opened this can of worms (sensitivity towards my environment) was the whole experience of parting ways with the friends I made in the US. The reason why I dealt with a much harder time with leaving was because I felt too much, expected too much. This feeling-so-much is like a double-ended sword - I couldn't let go, and I made others feel uncomfortable.
So I started wondering if I should step back, reflect and well, hold my horses. To conceal, don't feel, don't let them know (much like Elsa). After all, it was doing more harm than good to myself.
This sudden confliction made me realize the importance of mental health. It feels like I'm at a crossroad, not knowing where to go, not knowing how to feel. It made me feel lost and helpless. The feeling of not being in the best state of mind is really...blergh.
So many lessons learnt and past lessons reiterated in the last year. Like, just because I can do something, I shouldn't expect others be able/want to do it (i.e. when my group members give me shitty PowerPoint slides). No expectations, no disappointments. And it just relieves me of unnecessary stress.
I can certainly say I've grown quite a bit in 2017 and will continue to grow in 2018. Along the journey, I hope to keep my loved ones who are here close to me...and those that are far away as close as I possibly can. And to always remember to stay true to myself no matter the circumstances and things people say.
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Since I don't do New Year's resolutions, in 2018 and the years to come, I'd just like to focus more on keeping my mental health in check (which I tend to take for granted in happier times), continue to work on keeping calm and composed (as I tend to move and do things fast), gain and develop skills, read more...and of course, get a legit job and travel.
I just want to be happy, and may you be happy too.
Cheers to the year ahead!
Happy New Year, everyone!
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